eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
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