I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Randomize
