her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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