Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
