I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
