I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
