The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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