Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
The convent might be a nice break from real life
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