I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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