She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
