i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
