if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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