I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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