as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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