so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
You ruined the universe
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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