All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
