mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
