Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
