How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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