How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
