I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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