I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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