yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
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