Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
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