he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
