based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
