I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
