Well apparently he's into motor boating.
now i know why i became what i already was.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
