First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
