This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
