Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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