You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
