HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
