all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
