im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
