it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
