I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
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