i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
