I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
