Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
