he shaved USA in his pubs
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
