i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
