I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
