I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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