I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
