someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
