Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
