youre lurking in front of me
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
