I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
