I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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