WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
