he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
