Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
